I’m still on contract at my job, and Sandra’s looking for work, so until one of us gets full time permanent with benefits, we can’t realistically think about procreating. I also absolutely adore where I’m working, so leaving without being assured of coming back would be unthinkable.

Still.

The clock, she ticks.

My bestest friend in the whole wide world is expecting her first this spring. I’m so happy for her, but I wish it wasn’t so bittersweet.

I’ve also been checking in on some of the ttc blogs I read back when we were actively trying. So crazy to see babies conceived during our failed cycles turning into toddlers! With second ones on the way!

So anyhow. We wait, a little longer.

Seriously. WTF? 36 days? I had to merge two cycles in fertility friend because FF didn’t believe me.

————–
edited to add: I went to the women’s health center last night and they checked me out. They weren’t super concerned yet, since the bleeding has been (until yesterday) really light. If I’m still going strong in a week, I’m supposed to go back for a referral to a specialist. Unfortunately, moving provinces means I have to leave all my fabulous Calgary doctors behind and start from scratch, more or less.

It’s strange to keep up with all of your blogs - but I do - because I know that had things worked out in either of our cycles, we’d either have  a newborn or be expecting soon. Life has worked out very differently, and I don’t regret it. I’m starting to see our lack of “luck” ttc in 2008 as something good, something truly lucky. 

I love my new job in Toronto. It’s a perfect fit for me; from my team-mates, to my manager, to the work I’m doing every day. I’m growing as a developer in leaps and bounds, and every day so far has been a challenge; something I crave in my professional life and have rarely found for this long of a period. 

I’m renting a room with a roommate in a creaky old brick victorian. We share the second floor and I have the attic room to myself. It’s drafty and cold, but I’ve been a hot sleeper since I started on the Clomid, so I don’t really mind. Toronto is really comfortable to me. I love that I see gay couples holding hands almost every day of the week, no matter where I am in town. The food here is great, and cheaper than what I’m used to. I’m even blessed to have one of my bestest friends in town, and I’m looking forward to getting to know her even better over the weeks, months, and years. 

What’s not so great is that Sandra isn’t here yet, and we don’t have a definitive time frame for when we can expect to finish up the move. I’m here on my own for now, with the “kitten” Boo.

As much as I miss Sandra and the dogs and the other cats, it’s pretty fun getting to know him as an “only” cat. We got Boo as a kitten when the others were five years old, so he’s never been the only pet. He’s loving it, and loving the attention he gets from my roommate. 

So. The future and what will happen? I don’t know. What we’re talking about is trying to get Sandra knocked up once she’s living here and we’re a bit more settled. I won’t get parental leave or benefits until they convert my contract to perm, maybe in another 9 months, maybe in another two years. And I don’t know if we can wait that long if Sandra wants to carry, so that might mean parenting in a different way than I’d always imagined. 

Still. 

We’ll figure it all out. 

Don’t go away. I’ll keep updating here. In a lot of ways, this place is more private to me than my other blog. I know nothing online is truly private, but at least here, I feel like the folks who are reading are a smaller and more friendly audience than on my main blog. Thanks for that. I promise to write more often. 

But for now, I’ll leave you with a kind of silly pair of self-portraits that I kind of like. It’s a sweater pattern I’ll be publishing this weekend, and although I need to take a few more photos, I thought these two were pretty reflective of the place I’m in.

A few things to note:

1. I have lost a lot of weight
2. My hair is now longer than it’s been since I was in junior high.
3. I may not look it in either photo, but I’m on my way to being happier than I’ve been in a long time.

As for TTC, I don’t know what the next year will hold for us. It turns out that my new job is awesome, and I won’t consider going on mat leave here until my position is secure enough to guarantee it’ll be there when I come back. Maybe that’ll happen after my first year is up, maybe not. So, the next step would be to see what Sandra’s new job - when she gets one - looks like. Maybe try to get her knocked up. Who knows. 

I’m keeping this blog open and will continue to update when things change or move forward. I just don’t know when that’ll be.

WHY??????

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Some stuff is going on that I want to talk about, but can’t talk about it super freely. So, leave a comment here if you want the pwd.

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We have our huge shop retreat next weekend, with 96 attendees and instructors. I have a lot on my plate right now. I can’t imagine taking any of my non-existent time to do all those tests, nor to take off any more time from work. 

It’ll be interesting, during this break, to see if I do have any regularity in my cycles. Do I cycle a couple of times in a row? And then have a month or two off? Or is it less frequent? You’d think that because I’ve always been irregular, I would know these things. Guess I never really paid attention.

I have two options for whenever we’re going to try this next.

1. (Her fav) Take 100mg of Clomid for days 2 - 11 of the next cycle.

2. Begin a super-ovulation/IUI cycle that will probably either be cancelled due to too many follicles, or converted to an IVF cycle. 

In the meantime, since it’s been over a year since I did all my labs and exams, I need to go for an ultrasound, another HSG, and four rounds of blood work. I’m also supposed to start taking prometrium to induce a cycle since it’s already day 41. 

Great. 

I hate my clinic.